#59: Mallory Hates Boys (And Gym)
Can I just point out that on the copy of this book that I own, there’s a sticker that says “Series” covering Mallory’s photo… on a book narrated by Mallory? That’s a very Mallory thing to happen.
Mallory is having a nervous breakdown because her gym class is about to start doing volleyball, and it’ll be coed. She hates how she looks in her gym clothes and she’s unathletic, so first she tries to stay home from school and when that doesn’t work she fake-faints in the locker room to get out of class… but nobody notices. (Again, classic Mallory.) Of course, when they get down to actually playing volleyball, Mallory totally sucks. At first she flinches back from the ball, and then she just jumps up and down flailing her arms to make it look like she’s doing something. Neither her teammates nor her gym teacher are impressed, and she falls on her ass at least once. Commence total internal unraveling. That being said, Mal does offer up some being-eleven realness:
“So, in the big picture, none of this mattered. But right now, I was trapped inside the little picture. Trapped with a maniacal gym teacher, and a bunch of half-crazed volleyball players. Most of whom were boys.” - Mallory, page 60
In her next gym class, Mallory gets boinked directly in the head by a spiked volleyball and she GOES OFF on her gym teacher, who benches her. Then Mallory realizes that if she’s benched, she doesn’t have to play. So she starts benching herself and refusing to play volleyball during gym. She gets detention for it, but she considers it worth it. Like any goody-two-shoes descending into a life of crime, Mallory feels a thrill and a ton of fear. What will her parents say? Will this go on her permanent record? Should she get a face tattoo?
“Feeling more important must make them obnoxious.” - Mallory’s theory on boys, page 83
Ben Hobart, the one boy Mallory isn’t disgusted and annoyed by, is worried about her lying to her parents and potentially failing gym. (Good looking out, Ben, but make sure to stay in your lane, mate.) Mallory freaks out at the prospect of having to take gym summer school and so, in her next gym class, she does actually try to play volleyball. But then some jackass named Chris on the other team just repeatedly serves the ball to/at her because he knows she sucks, and she gets fed up and quits again.
Eventually Mallory gets some advice from her mother and she talks to her gym teacher. They strike a deal: if Mallory will actually try in gym class, the boys’ gym teacher will talk some sense into Jackass Chris. Once that happens, Mallory doesn’t thrive but she survives. And then, one day, volleyball is over and it’s time for archery. And guess what? Mallory’s actually good at archery! (Everyone’s good at something.) Cue a huge sigh of relief. Mallory even tried out for - and makes - the archery team. (What is Stoneybrook?)
Did I ever realize before that Mr. Pike is a major DILF? Hmm…
