BSC TV #4: Kristy and the Great Campaign

Any episode of BSC TV that starts with Jackie Rodowsky (Danny Tamberelli) is promising. In "Kristy and the Great Campaign," Jackie has a little crush on a shy classmate, Courtney (Kate Bernsohn).

Kristy (Avriel Hillman) tries to get Courtney to play in the snow with them, but Courtney walks away. Then Jackie tells Kristy, Dawn (Melissa Chase), and Mary Anne (Meghan Lahey) that "you're not girls... you're baby-sitters!"

Quick fashion roundup. As you can see above, Stacey (Jessica Prunell) and Claudia (Jeni Winslow) are killing it. #FashionGoals. Mallory (Meghan Andrews) is trying to emulate them, but she'll always be Mallory, so no one's buying it. Then you have the Windbreaker Squad:

Which is just ehhh, but I like Dawn's colors, at least. We don't even need to mention Kristy when we talk about fashion.

I imagine Kristy plays "Bossy" by Kelis every time she walks into a room. As if her director's chair and visor don't scream "I THINK I'M IN CHARGE" enough.

When Kristy goes to pick up Courtney to baby-sit her, she finds Courtney singing "Happy Mouse Day" to... a mouse. I'm concerned, to say the least. Kristy and Courtney join the rest of the BSC and some charges at the Stoneybrook Video Store, where they are causing a scene.

As a former record/video store employee, these kind of customers are my nightmare. Yes, please - sit on the floor with all of your kids and make a mess of all the products!

Courtney and Jackie get accosted by a classmate, Jeremy Marver (Daniel Reifsnyder), who is running for class president. Jeremy is basically an eight-year-old slimy politician and apparently his older brother beat Kristy at the science fair and she's still salty about it.

Kristy goes to work on Courtney, trying to convince her to run against Jeremy for class president, but Courtney protests that she's too shy and not a good public speaker.

Kristy has clearly already turned this into a Justin Marver revenge scenario, though, and immediately begins taking the whole thing way too seriously.

Kristy makes Mallory's life by including her and saying Mal could help write Courtney's speeches. Mallory has been acknowledged and life will never be the same.

Mary Anne, the club's shyest member, is the sole voice of reason asking "shouldn't we find out how Courtney feels about it first?" Yes. Yes, you should. But the Kristy train is already moving full steam ahead.

Kristy tries to trick Courtney into running by using "the law of verbal traps" (-Carmen Chao, "30 Rock") .

Kristy then dresses like an off-duty construction worker to boss around the BSC as they become Courtney's "campaign team".

"COME ON GUYS, THIS IS SERIOUS!" Kristy exclaims when they joke about slogans. "Not so serious," my queen Stacey McGill reminds her. "It is third grade."  Mallory comes up with the slogan COUNT ON COURT, and Kristy validates her again. What a week for Mal! Then all the baby-sitters walk up to  Courtney's house chanting the slogan, which is... off-putting.

Future serial killer Courtney seems pleased by the show of support, but you just know that Kristy's going to go overboard and mess everything up.

As the gang works on posters (and ice cream sundaes?) Kristy stays pretty intense. "Watch it, Jessi, your letters aren't straight!" she yells. I probably don't need to point out the irony of Kristy calling something not straight. Mallory (who is becoming a real person in this episode!) is like "chill, bruh, it's just elementary school."

Side note: doesn't the screencap below look like an early 90s sitcom called "Courtney's Two Moms" that I wouldn't watch?

Stacey does the first smart thing in the episode, which is to dress Courtney exactly like her. Slay, Stacey, slay.

See, I would watch the above sitcom, in which plucky single mom Stacey, who is sophisticated and works in fashion, raises her precocious daughter. It could be called "Stace Under Fire." (Or, a version of "Courtney's Two Moms" in which her moms were Stacey and Claudia.)

Jeremy appears mid-makeover. (How did a 45-year-old used car salesman get into the third grade?) He "almost didn't recognize" Courtney, which sounds like it's supposed to be an insult. Then, of course, his "perfect" brother Justin (P.J. Ochlan), who looks like he runs the used car dealership, shows up and calls Kristy "Krystal," which she does not love.

Justin is a real asshat, and Kristy has to keep yelling "THE NAME'S KRISTY" like she's in an old western. She makes it painfully obvious here that this is about Justin vs. Kristy and not Jeremy vs. Courtney. But still, you do want to punch little Jeremy in the face when he tells Courtney, "may the best man win."

Jackie Rodowsky is the best part of this episode. He helps Mary Anne and Dawn put up Courtney's campaign posters but makes sure to tell them, "it's not that I like her or anything... I just like hammering stuff." Don't we all, Jackie. Too bad Kristy is a Liz Lemon-like "blocker" who won't give Courtney one spare minute to be exposed to your charms.

Kristy has become a pushy stage mother and won't even let Courtney hang out with her friends. She gets mad at Mary Anne for joking around to try to help Courtney relax.

Dawn says it like it is when Kristy walks away. "Ready, troops?!" After being brutally rebuffed, Jackie feels the need to prove he doesn't have a crush on Courtney, so he teams up with Jeremy.

I'm not sure why he has to put the snake in his pants, though... but "freaky-deakies need love too" (-Tracy Jordan, "30 Rock").

Of course, when the snake gets loose, the whole plan backfires because - remember? - Courtney loves animals.

"It's just a little garter snake," she says while everyone else pisses themselves.

As a bonus, Jeremy's frightened shriek has brought shame upon his family, which means it's time for a showdown between Justin and Krystal Kristy.

Of course, Courtney overhears it and when Kristy says, "come on, we can't do this without you," Courtney mutters, "you sure are trying." SICK BURN.

Kristy goes to visit the mouse, and Courtney shows up soon after. Kristy returns to human form and apologizes (and admits she's a dweeb).

The biggest laugh of the episode comes when Courtney is giving her speech and says "I know these speeches aren't real important..." which then shatters all of the validation Mallory felt. "THEY'RE NOT?!" she gasps, as her self-esteem once again melts away.

Stacey's look says it all. Do I know you? And if so, why didn't I stop you from wearing that scarf?

COUNT ON COURT! After Courtney's being-herself speech, Kristy leads the auditorium in a chant for Courtney.

~Be yourself~ Courtney wins! (Duh.) Jackie voted for her "even though" she's a girl. And Kristy learns her lesson for "the hundredth time." (Bet it won't be the last time she learns her lesson... or the last time she wears that hideous striped tunic.)